Shepard of My Heart

Once a month I find myself stewing in selfishness. My thoughts are swirling about how I was wronged, or not appropriately appreciated or made to do too much at home...blah, blah, blah...YUCK. After wallowing in the self pity I tend to get mad at myself and move on to guilt about how I am supposed to be thinking of others and that this is no way for a Christian to think. Most the time it stays in my head, which is a great place for my imagination to embellish my selfishness, but occasionally it spills over into my non-verbal and verbal communication to my kids and husband. It is a very yucky me and all to often I find myself repenting of this childish behavior. The frustration is when the same emotions and feelings recur EVERY MONTH at about the same time!

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Romans 7:18b-19

Then my mind moves on to the question, "Why God, if you made me with a monthly hormonal cycle would you let me feel this way and deal with perpetual thoughts of selfishness every month? What do you want me to do about it?!"

Well, this month came an answer. Through a variety of ways God was teaching me about being humble. Humility and submission to Him releases me from selfishness and the never ending pursuit of perfection and appreciation. True humility is not temporary, it's being so satisfied with the approval and love from my heavenly Father that I don't need the approval of man (husband, parents, boss, kids, friends, church etc...). It's about boasting only in the Lord and not in my own strength or abilities.

This is what the LORD says:"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," declares the LORD. Jeremiah 9:23-24

This type of humility isn't very natural for me and the only way for me to come close to this type of behavior AND mind set is to constantly fix my mind on Jesus.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

So, Jesus, as the Shepard of my heart, asks me and is helping me develop life-giving freedom through active submission and humility practice each month at a time when I don't feel like it. He cares so much about the condition of my heart, my marriage and my relationship with my kids that He invites me to actively commune with Him to sustain me and these precious relationships.